Guidance for Talking with Children About Death
by Dr. Ernest Katz
Children and teens can be helped with their coping in a variety of ways. Whereas the particular issues and specific content discussed must be varied and adapted to the age of the child and the situation, it is helpful for parents and adults to:
1. Tell the truth. The alternative – hiding information – causes children to feel confused, unable to turn to adults for help, and mistrustful of other information. Avoid any unnecessary information.
2. Be simple and direct. Use developmentally appropriate concepts, words, and language. Although this may be difficult for adults, saying someone has died is preferable to potentially confusing euphemisms such as “he went to sleep,” “he passed on,” and “we’ve lost him”.
3. Reassure children they are not to blame.
4. Model appropriate responses. Do not hide emotions. Explain feelings as a way to help children understand their own, but keep expression of strong, dramatic feelings for private times with other adults.
5. Find ways for the child to be involved with family and friend if at all possible. Participating in hospital routines or funeral and bereavement rituals in whatever way they feel most comfortable can demystify events for children and provides closure.
6. Encourage the child to talk and ask questions. Find out what a child thinks and feels and correct any misconceptions or misinformation.
7. Become attuned to and respond to the child’s own pace for revealing feelings. Offer opportunities for comfort by being available whenever the child/teen is ready or is experiencing some strong emotions.
8. Allow and encourage expression in private ways, e.g. use of journals, art.
9. Acknowledge and affirm children’s expressions. Accept and normalize their response.
10. Have more than one conversation. A child’s familiarity, interest, and questions about difficult situations change over time. Be available and look for teachable moments or opportunities for further exploration.
11. Provide understanding, support, and extra guidance or assistance with school assignments, social obligations, and home chores as necessary over time.
12. Explore their feelings about the situation or death. Understand their beliefs and how being confronted with death can stimulate related personal feelings.
13. Realize children may make comparisons; they may comment on and wish for things to be the way they used to be, compare times before and after events, compare the surviving parent to the one who has died, or their life to that of others.
14. Talk to and enlist the support of other adults (such as teachers and coaches) who are in contact with the children.
15. Become familiar with specific cultural and religious beliefs and practices. Being sensitive to the specific rituals and customs is important for understanding how to respond, how to tailor comfort, what is within the realm of expected behavior, and how to prepare and involve classmates.
16. Monitor a child’s response over time and check out any concerns with a mental health professional.
17. Encourage and help the child to collect keepsakes and construct and maintain positive memories.
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